Healing Touch

It's amazing how being surrounded by people that love you can calm your soul. It is one of the gifts God gave us to help us get through the rough times. Sometimes, we receive this gift as a moment in our lives; barely noticeable, easily forgotten or misplaced in our memories. Sometimes, it becomes a whole season; where we lean on and gather strength from those we love for a period of time.
We , Jesse, Adam, and I, were given one of those gifts last night. I would like to be able to say that it was just for a needed moment. But, I know, to be completely honest with myself, it is the beginning of a season.
I didn't fully realize the impact having family gather with us would have on my fears. But in the midst of good food, I remembered the bonds that hold us together. During the hours of fellowship, I was prodded to see the strength that abounds in our family. And as we prayed, I couldn't help but see the depth of faith that runs through us all. I realized that though we are spread out, have separate lives and interests, we are undeniably one creation.
Our mish mosh of a family is like a the big tree outside my front door. It looks like one huge, beautiful tree. All the branches intertwine. They sway with the wind - together. They enjoy the sun and withstand the rain - as one. However, if you look closely at this tree, you will see it is actually several trees. Five trees to be exact. You couldn't separate one of these trees the others without killing the rest. Their roots are knotted together. Their trunks touch intimately. They support each other during storms. They are, essentially, one tree.
This revelation made me realize that I am not alone in this. I am not the only one scared for Adam. I am not the only one going to miss him. I am not the only one broken hearted to see him go. We are all going to be effected, in some way, by his deployment. I know that sounds selfish, but even though I 'knew' I wasn't alone, I FELT alone. I was too busy trying to hold back the fear and the anxiety to fully accept the truth. It wasn't until I saw everyone gathered together, that I fully realized that I'm a dope - And a big Dope to boot!
I still have my fears, but right now, they are not swallowing me whole. Having our family gather around Adam and pray for him, gave me the peace I have been praying for for months. Don't get me wrong! I'm wiping away tears as I write this. However, they are no longer desperate tears. They are somehow different; less painful, fearful, and out of control. I feel, now, that my tears are the normal tears of a mother watching her son go to war. I am still afraid of the unknown. I still worry. But, I no longer feel betrayed by God and Adam.
Wait! Did I just say that?! I did. OhmyGosh! I did say that! Want to know the worst part? It is true. Deep down inside this silly heart of mine, I felt betrayed. Dang! That's embarrassing!
Now, to redeem myself.
After yesterday, I feel like I can admit that this is God's will for Adam. I believe so many things have been leading up to this time in his life. I don't understand - or agree - with it. However, I believe it to be true. So, with that knowledge, I can pray easier, breathe easier, and hope easier. I can take my tears to God and place them at his feet. I can lean on my family and friends without shame; knowing that this is one of the reasons I am blessed to have them in my life.