To answer every one's question about how I feel about Adam joining the reserves - I just don't know.
I want to throttle him. I want to ground him. I want to march right up to that recruiter and slap him silly! This horrible man has lured my baby boy into something incredibly dangerous and I can't stop him. Why? Because my baby boy is 21 years old and has the right, no, he needs to make this decision on his own. I feel so useless. I can't keep him from making choices I don't like anymore. I can't offer him only the choices I want for him. ("You can work or go to college. No. The army is not an option today.") It's not fair. It's way too hard. I can't even walk around ranting and raving because I can't help but be proud of him, also. He has made a tough decision that he has put off before because of his family's feelings about it. My mother's heart is screaming in pain and misery while my head and soul applaud his ability to do what he thinks is right despite what everyone else says. Besides, he is so happy. How do I squash that? Do I have that right? What if something horrible happens and the last memories I have are of us fighting about this?
Have I tried to talk him out of it? You bet! Do I understand why he has made this decision? Yeah, though I hate to admit it. Could it be a good thing for him? Yes, Dang it! Did I pray that he would fail his physical? Yes. I was counting on it. Do I wonder what I did wrong? All the time, now. Could he be lost to me forever? Yes. Oh, My Lord, help me! Yes, he could. Can I forgive myself if he is? I don't know. I think I will forever ask myself, "If I had just said one more thing...." Will I be able to breathe until his time is up? I don't think so. Can I be happy for him? I am trying. Really, I am.
I am worried that my internal conflict is dampening his happiness. He brought home bumper stickers that say,"I am a proud parent of a soldier." I am proud. But, everything is so raw right now. I am not ready to put that on my car, to see it everyday. I don't want to disappoint him. I will put it on with pride and tears, but not right now. It is just too hard. I feel like I am watching my child willing walk into the lions den and I am supposed to cheer him on waving a banner that says, "I'm proud of my son the raw steak!"
God keeps reminding me that I gave Adam to him many years ago. That I don't need to worry so, because he is in His hands. It just so hard. I feel like I am drowning in confusion and anxiety. I should trust God. I do trust God. But, God doesn't always work things out the way I think He should. OK. I said it. What if God's plan is for Adam to have a short life? Can I live with that? My heart says NO NO NO! My soul is a little drowned out right now. However, if I listen carefully, I think I hear a tiny yes. I don't want to find out. Lord, forgive me for my doubt and distrustfulness.
I must put on a happy face, a proud face. I must walk this path and remember that God is carrying me through this. I must for Adam and for my faith in God. So, please pray for Adam and his safety. Please pray that I will be able to carry this off.
4 comments:
Oh, Tammie, how I understand each of your feelings and thoughts as I feel the very same way--only in a less intense way than you, I am sure. You expressed your heart and soul so well--how else can a loving mother feel.
We will all be praying for Adam and God will be with him through everything. I know, for Adam's sake, the best thing we can do is be positive and proud and support him and let him know he has his whole family with him at all times.
Just know my heart and prayers and thoughts are with you.
No words can ease the pain in a mother's heart. I can only say that this journey is not one you have to walk alone. You are loved. You will have the prayers, hugs,tears and silences of friends and family.
Along with you, we will be praying for Adam, we will be praying for you and when you do not know the words to pray, we will stand in the gap.
Hugs are great. No words are needed when arms of love entwine to comfort.
Tears are the evidence of a burden being divided by all that love you. I will cry with you anytime.
Silences. No explanation needed.
Oh, Tammie. I am just crying my eyes out. YOu can't do that to a hormonal new mom!
As a wife of a former reservist, it is terrifying. But the love I have for Troy is not the same as that for a son. I can't imagine what you are going through. Thank you for sharing all that you wrote. We will pray for you and Jess and Adam. God's hand of protection will be on him just like it was on Troy. And Adam will continue to make us proud with his decisions.
We love you.
Tammie,
That was so very beautiful, and so very sad. "I can't stop the rain from falling down on you...I can't stop the rain, but I will hold you to myself...When the rain comes, I will hold you.." by Third Day (When the Rain Comes) is playing right now. I think of you, and I pray for you. Our love for our sons is so intense. I don't really understand it yet. Why is it so dang hard to let go of them? Your heartfelt prayers echo what I know I will someday face in some degree. You and Adam will be in our prayers as I can't imagine how hard this is for you. We love you!!!
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