I'm blue. SOOO Blue.
Adam, Kyna, Jesse and I are going to the army tomorrow. We have to attend an informational meeting concerning Adam's imminent deployment. And I'm mad. I don't want to go. I hate that this is happening. It scares me to death. Who does the Army think they are that they have to go and make this real before I am ready? It just isn't right. UGH!!!
I know it probably isn't a smart or healthy thing to do, but I have been doing a really good job of ignoring the ugly fact that Adam will be leaving. I admit, I am really good at putting off or not thinking of unpleasant things. It has gotten me in to a bind a time or two. I have even made a concentrated effort to stop this behavior. But, frankly, I can't think of this much. Every time I do, my chest goes tight. I can't breathe and my throat closes up. Then the tears start to flow. I have to stop it and think of something else. Otherwise, I will turn into a soggy, slimy wreck of a person. I really think that if I ever let it all out, I will blow and never stop. Like a volcano, I will not even resemble the person I am. I will be an outline of myself with debris all around me.
I don't know if every mother with a son worries about war. But, I have always worried about it. While Adam was playing guns and "army dudes," I was praying that those games would never turn real. The thought my son being thousands of miles away, in a place I know nothing about, with people looking at him as an enemy - would, and still does, make my heart ache. How did all the mothers in WWI, WWII, Vietnam, the Civil War, etc... keep their sanity? They would have to wait months, or longer, for news of their sons. They must have been strong, faithful women. I don't know if I have it in me.
When Adam was little, I felt that God was asking me to 'give' Adam back to him. It was the hardest and scariest thing I have ever done. God was literally asking me, "Do you trust me? Do you believe that I will take care of him? Do you trust that I will take care of you, too?" Since then, I have been struggling with the fear of the unknown for Adam. I guess I have failed that portion of the test. In trusting God, I find it hard not to fear His decisions. In case you haven't heard, God doesn't always ask us to do easy things. Sometimes, He asks us to go through injury, see horrible things, or give our lives. Sometimes, terrible things happen to good children of God.
Despite all this, I know that he is God's son so much more than he is mine. I know that God loves him so much more than I do. I know God will protect him and has a plan for him. I truly, honestly believe that all that is true. However, I am weak. I don't know if I can live with God's decision, if it means that something horrible happens to him. I hate that I don't have enough faith to find peace with this.
6 comments:
Oh, Tammie. You just made me cry. I am a mother of two young boys who is terrified of the army men turning real...And to think you're facing it for real is almost too much for me to even imagine. Please know I will be praying. Every day. For you. For him. For peace and comfort. Love you. :)
Tammie, this one broke my heart. I so feel for you--you expressed it all so well. I am sure it is every mother of a soldier's heart. I confess I have just not let myself think of it much. I do pray for him daily and I do have a peace God will take care of hiim and bring him home safely. I just still keep hoping the Army will change their mind--or Obama will and they will not be sent at all.
I pray God just fills you with peace and comfort and trust. I love you, Julie
My heart aches for you. Having a son I can fathom only an inkling of what you are feeling. I refuse to think of it, too. We love our sons so much and want so much for them. None of this is helping. Just know I will be praying for both of you. Love you.
Your heart here, your words, have been on my mind and in my spirit for the last year. I've wondered when you'd allow them to surface... I've prayed for comfort when they did. I know trust doesn't come easy... and trusting Him with Adam feels impossible. My prayer for you is this... that you find rest in His love for you, and for Adam. That you could trust us with the fear your carry, and allow us to carry it with you. That while Adam's away you keep bloggin', keep talkin', keep sharin' your heart with those who love you most. You're always the strong one, the wise one, the one with a quick solution and a giggle. Allow us to minister God's love and comfort to you. You don't have to walk this path alone... not a single step.
I am the sister of a young man who went through the war in Afghanistan. I know what you're going through. I sat through that meeting. I watched my brother lace up his boots and head out to war. I went through all of the stages of grieving over his leaving our country to put his life on the line. Denial - believing that he was going to get called just before he boarded to leave as if it were a bad joke or ignoring the whole process entirely. Pain and guilt - "if only I had talked him out of it." Anger and bargaining "Please God if you could just protect him I will..." and then anger at my brother for making the choice to join and God for calling him to. Etc, etc, etc.
I wish I had better words to console what you are going through right now. I don't think that anyone can truly grasp what you feel unless they have experienced themselves. I remember being angry at people who would try to console me because what the heck did they know about what I was feeling?
My best advice is to find other people who know how to support you so that you can support your son. He needs you to be strong right now but that doesn't mean that you have to keep your emotions to yourself. Hand them over to God. Christ died on the cross not only for our sins, but to carry our burdens as well. He can handle everything we give him and that is the only thing that got me through that tough time.
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 Keep the faith! Know that even though we are strangers, I am here for you and will keep your precious family in my thoughts and prayers.
Awesome post! and to Jennifer Gallagher, your words were timely and God inspired. Thank you for encouraging Tammie and her family.
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